Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Leader of the Pack

I don’t refer to them as my dogs, or “furbabies” or, oh god I can’t even say the word… pets. We are all members of the same pack. I'm now the alpha, since Spot died.
I would tell you their names, but they can’t be pronounced in English. They are pronounced in a series of yelps, and throat growls. To a “non-pack” member, I guess you would refer to that as “barking” although that’s a bit of a derogatory term.
Because I’m the alpha, I provide for the pack, which means I require a biped job, (mine is in IT) where I function fairly well, but once I get back to the den, er, house, that’s where I really feel I belong. Where I can be myself. I shake off the stresses of the day, give myself a good scratch, and just curl up on my pillow.

Our home life is pretty much like everyone else’s, I guess. I hunt, kill and bring home dinner, and depending on the weather, we will eat on the lawn out back, or on the dining room floor. I eat first, and then everyone else partakes when I’m done. Usually it works out well, as long as everyone remembers where they are on the hierarchy. Then, we all spend time outside, voiding our bowels, re-fragrancing ourselves with backyard detritus, and then, the fun begins!
We have a lot of games we play, the most popular is “tug of war - stick” wherein we all fight over the choicest stick in the yard. You can tell which stick is the best, as it’s the one your packmate has. This game can go on all night… and sometimes does! We also play “tug of war - rope”, “tug of war - ball” and “tug of war - kitty that wandered into the backyard by accident”. The fun times we have….

Then, once we get tired of chasing and vocalizing to the neighbors, it’s time for sleep. We all share a bed (keeps us warm), and have our nighttime rituals, usually, we groom ourselves, which can take a while. Then, we walk around in a circle and lay down.
Sometimes I will engage in dominance mounting, but only if I feel my status has been challenged, or if I’m lonely.



Friday, 4 September 2015

What do you mean by "the love that dare not speak it's name"

What? Sisterwife? No – what are you talking about? Two wives? That’s crazy!

Oh, no, ha ha, that’s my wife Cheryl, in the skirt (she’s a social worker so she has to go to court a lot) but the other lady is her best friend, Heather - actually, I think that Heather is a social worker as well. They met at a woman’s studies course, I can’t remember the name of it, but I guess it was like home economics class, or something like that? Then Cheryl joined Heather’s ringette team, and they play soccer in the summer. They are really close and spend a lot of time together. It’s nice, you know, for Cheryl to have a best friend. She seems a lot happier…

Those are our kids, Jilly, skipping rope, and Jackson, playing hockey. The other two are Heather’s kids, Mitchell and Marcy. I don’t know where their dad is, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Heather mention their dad, when I asked Cheryl she kind of yelled at me… I had to look up “misogynistic and paternalistic”  in the dictionary, but I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just wondering if maybe he and I could hang out while the gals were at ringette, or a lecture, or an Indigo Girls concert...  they spend a lot of time together... I think I already mentioned that. Anyhow, this weekend they are going to a yoga retreat. I will be shuttling the kids all over the place… but as long as Cheryl is happy… and I think that when Heather is happy, Cheryl is happy.

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Go Home! You're making a spectacle of yourself!

No, not related, silly, just members of the same club – this is our special events minivan. Care to join us - It's bowling night!

What you have here are the proud members of the Astigmatism Club - Eastern Region, North-Central sub region! We are a splinter group of the National Astigmatism Organization (those bastards) but are recognized under the umbrella of the Worldwide Ocular Disorder Association.

Allow me to introduce everyone - starting from the left we have Dwight. Astigmatism/Myopia he is a -2.00 +1.50 x 180, if you want to believe his okcupid.com profile, that is! Dwight is the club treasurer.

Next is Cynthia - +3.50 +3.00 x 45 with hyperopia. Cynthia is our social coordinator, and is a pretty good little line dancer! None of us can keep up with her.

Then there is Francis, a hale and hearty -4.75 -3.75x165 with bilateral amblyopia. He is in charge of membership. It’s thanks to his recent membership push that we are up to 6 members! Way to go Francis! Don’t worry, it's not you, he doesn’t really talk to strangers.

 Next to him is Denise, nystagmus with a family history of glaucoma, and is currently a -2.75 +2.00 x 90, although she has an appointment tomorrow, so “fingers crossed”. Denise is our Secretary, and if you want to see something amazing, come to one of our board meetings and watch her take the minutes.

Then we have Nathan. -1.5 -1 90/-3.75 -1.5 180. Yes indeed, he is a very complex fellow. Nate is our Past-President, our current Vice-President, and our resident computer geek! He really loves working on complex computer programs, even CSIS (or was it CSE? RCMP? I can’t remember) who questioned us, is interested in his work! Very impressive.

Then there is me – Susan, Current President, Past Vice-President. At the moment, I’m  -8.5 -2.75 18 with floaters. I met these crazy kids when they were protesting outside the Lasik clinic near me. I was going in for a consultation, and they stopped me, handed me some pamphlets and we got to talking. We think of ourselves as kind of a subculture, with our own inside jokes, and language. Why our glass cleaning ritual alone takes 30 minutes!

Oh! I almost forgot, our club “mascots”. Those are our 3 dogs, Rover, Mittens, and Spotty.
What? Sure they are, silly!

Sunday, 28 June 2015

He was always such a nice boy -so kind to his mother...



I’m Norman, everyone calls me Norman.

No, that’s not my sporting equipment, someone left it here, I’m more of an online gaming kind of guy. You can get a lot of injuries in sports.

I have my own apartment–kind of- in the basement of a house. It’s my mom’s house actually, but it works out well, I shovel the snow, and mow the lawn and do the grocery shopping.  Mom cooks and cleans and does the laundry. It’s not weird or anything like that, she just knows how I like my underwear, and pyjamas folded so its way easier to have her do it.  We’re real homebodies, we play scrabble and watch television. We love the Church programs on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I make popcorn and we will watch a movie - if there is something wholesome on that Mom wants to see.

Yeah, I’m single. Mom doesn’t really like me dating. She jokes and says I’m too special for anyone but her! I brought a girl home once, but she had to leave really quickly after dinner. Not sure exactly what happened, I was spooning ice-cream into bowls for the three of us, and the next thing I knew, she was gone! Mom said that she just got up and left. She never returned my phone calls either. I think I saw her at the library once, but it was only from the back and she was kind of running in the other direction so it may not have been her.

That’s my dog, Ragamuffin, and my cat Ragamuffin. They were really good pets. They both died a few years ago. I was teaching myself taxidermy at the time, for a hobby, and decided that they would be my first project. I really enjoyed working with them a lot. So quiet and pliable – once the rigor mortis wore off. Sometimes I find myself petting them and talking to them, I really miss them. I’ve even put out catnip and bones for them to enjoy. I like pretending they are still alive, I guess I just hate saying goodbye…

Mom got really sick a few years ago, and I was really lonely then…. But then, well, I guess you could say she recovered? She’s doing really well now – she has colour in her cheeks, and she’s really…. animated, I guess is the best way to put it. Almost totally back to normal. I just have to watch out for moth infestations.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

77% of accidents occur in the home....


What’s all that screaming about? Stop shrieking!! Kids, goddammit! Be quiet, I can’t hear myself think!
How many times do I have to tell you - no sports in the house! Go play on the road! 
 It’s no wonder I spend as much time as I do at the mall, between the soccer balls hitting the wall, the hockey pucks slamming against the doors and your fathers table saw making a godawful racket sawing through who knows what, it’s enough to drive a person crazy. What is he making out there?? That damn thing is so godawful loud. Sounds like he’s cutting through bone! 
God – you go out shopping for a few hours and you come back to a house in bedlam! Complete and utter chaos!
And look at this place – it’s a frigging mess!! Equipment laying around everywhere, it looks like the house has been ransacked!! Why is everything knocked off the counter? And the bookshelf? What the hell have you all been doing? It’s those damn hockey sticks I bet, knocking pictures off the wall!
And what is all over the floor, it’s as sticky as hell! Is that mud?? Red clay??!!! Who used the nice guest towels to wipe that red clay mud off themselves?  I will find out, and you will be grounded! I’ve told you all that those towels are for GUESTS ONLY! This mud is tracked from your fathers workshop all through the house!!!! Who did this!!!!
It’s all over the walls! Who was spraying this all over the damn walls???
Where is your father??
Honestly – he really needs to try and keep it together when I’m out. I go shopping with friends and it’s like he loses his head!

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

I still got it.... it's just taking up more space...





Wanna come outside with me and play soccer?

Uh, can’t son… Daddy’s busy… maybe later….




You’re not busy, you’re just looking out the window. Why are you looking out the window, what are you looking at?

What? Nothing, just looking outside. Go play.




Are you looking at our new neighbor Miss Lily? Why are you looking at Miss Lily? She’s just laying on that long chair by her swimming pool.

What? No! What? I’m not looking at her!  – go to your room!




How come Miss Lily has a bathing suit like me, just the bottom part? Mummy’s bathing suit has a bottom and a top, and a skirt part and a part that looks like a scarf that she puts around her tummy.

What? I don’t know why her bathing suit is like that…. I’m not even looking at her… go play somewhere.




How come Miss Lily’s skin looks so smooth, kind of like a peach, but Mummy’s skin kind of looks like my t-shirt drawer, all wrinkly and bumpy and squished in? And how do Miss Lily’s lady chest parts stay up like that even when she is laying down, because mummy’s lady chest parts slide right down to her armpits when she is laying on the couch?  And Miss Lily’s hair kind of looks like yellow ribbons, but Mummy's hair is short all over, and has lots of white and gray parts, it reminds me of our old dog Rags.




Why are you crying?

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Namaste, Muthafuka!

Oh Children! Ahimsa! Ashtanga! Chakra! Kundalini! Shavasana!
Finish up your poses my special little snowflakes, and come in for your mid-morning kimchi-kale and placenta power smoothies! Then I would like you all to think about tidying up your meditation room, its a mess! There are essential oils all over the place, and I don't know what you were doing with the yoga straps, but they should be untied from the chair.

Mummy has her bi-weekly lymphatic detox/high colonic/vaginal steaming appointment this afternoon, so I’ve organized some fun and educational activities for you all!

Ahimsa, I’ve arranged for you to sit and talk with a new special friend! Won’t that be fun! Dr. Billy wants to hear all about the experiments you’ve been working on recently – especially the “properties of fire” one. He will give you a letter for your school when you are done so make sure you put it right in your hemp tote bag so you don’t lose it.
Now, Ashtanga and Chakra, Daddy is able to visit with us sooner that we thought, because of his good behavior! Isn’t that great! He is going to take you to his doctor’s office. It won’t be long, he just has to gift them some of his hair, and maybe a container of fluid… then he will buy you both a special non-dairy gluten free ice-cream at the “horses running in a circle” park.

Kundalini, you have your organic material visual art lesson. I hope you will be finishing that large scale mural that you’ve been working on. I can’t wait to see it! I think it will look great hanging in your room, and will probably be big enough to cover all the holes in your wall.  You’re so silly - I still don’t understand why you were hitting the wall so hard! I hope you weren’t trying to kill a bug, you know we need to love all creatures that Mother Earth shares with us.

Now Shavasana….. Shavasana! SHAVASANA! Take those earbuds out of your ears sweetness! I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do. The weaving studio said that they haven’t repaired the loom from last time yet, and the farmers market has moved again. Funny, now that I think about it, they still haven’t responded to any of my emails about their new location. Well… yes…..I guess you can go to Nana’s house if you like…. No…. how would I know what medication Nana takes for her arthritis… oxy-something? I’m sure Nana would love to see you dear – just call her beforehand to make sure her Church group isn’t there, like last time.

Anyway, my darlings, finish up your smoothies – don’t forget the pulpy bits! That’s the best part! Oh! Mummy baked those cookies you all like so much! It’s the turmeric root that makes them so tasty!

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Dance like the whole world is watching... because they are.


Look, it’s not like we favour one child over the other, I mean, we love them both equally-ish…

Dexter plays hockey (if you can call it that) but honestly, he sucks. The cold hard truth is that he's so bad, it seemed wrong to even adhere the sticker to the windshield. I mean, I wish to god he was more athletic and better at sports, the way I was as a kid, but he's not. He is so un-coordinated, I sometimes find it hard to believe he’s my son.  I’ve told him that, you know - to encourage him, but so far, it hasn't worked. I think I have to keep at it though, show him my old hockey trophies, from back in the day, when trophies used to mean you were a winner.

But Emily? Now that daughter of mine has talent! I mean, I look at her and all I can see is DANCE!

The rest of the family just pales in comparison when we’re around her, especially her brother. There is a strength, a kind of boldness to her, but Dexter? No boldness or strength there I'm afraid.

It becomes really obvious when you compare the two of them to each other.




Friday, 20 March 2015

Scary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?



Yes darling?

Where’s daddy?

Oh, well, daddy had to go away.


Somewhere far away, honey, hand me my watering can please.

Will we ever see him again?

No, I don’t think you will.

Why did daddy have to go far away?

Because he made mummy angry.

How did he make you angry?

Mummy found out that daddy had a new special friend.

But isn’t it good to have new friends?

Not always honey, pass me my garden shears.

How come you didn’t like daddy’s new friend?

Because daddy’s new friend wanted daddy to only play with her, and so daddy spent all his free time playing “reverse deep sea diver”, “hide the salami” and “fish taco inspector” with his new friend, and didn’t want to play “evangelical missionaries on a sleepover” with mummy anymore. So mummy got really angry at daddy and his new friend and she did something so they will be together for all eternity.

Oh…. Mummy?

Yes sweetheart?

How come you’re planting flowers in the backyard now?

Well, I figured since I had to fill in this hole I dug….


Friday, 13 March 2015

How much is that doggy in the window?

Oh – you want to know about my furbabies? Sure! I have plenty of time to tell you all about them, Denny’s early bird dinner doesn’t start for another 45 minutes, so I’m just waiting here in the parking lot! Funny, Animal Control was asking about them too, the nosy parkers. Who ever heard of “animal hoarding”, I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.  If you want, I can get out the photo albums of my babies in their Halloween costumes?

 So starting from the left, that’s Wags – he is a rascal! Chases after squirrels – its’ a real mess cleaning up all those carcasses and innards that are scattered in our backyard every spring!

Next to him is Whiskers! She sure does tease the dogs, we are always saying she is a real nasty pussy – My husband says she reminds him of me, but I don’t know why because I never tease the dogs.

Then there is Bones, sweet fellow, but don’t try to take his special lovey toy, that’s how I got this scar across my cheek!

Then we have Rover – spends all day sleeping and eating –now he reminds me of my husband.

 Next is Spot, who thinks he’s a lap dog – silly boy bruised the Reverends crotch the last time he visited.

Snoopy is next to him, loves his treats, he does, always pulling the Depends out of the trash.

Then we have Miss Fluffy, who loves to go the groomer and be told she is a pretty girl – vain bitch… just like my sister-in-law.

 Next to her is Tiny, who humps everything in sight – had to stop inviting the Church ladies over because of him!

Then there is Scout, who hasn’t been the same since we removed his testicles - poor thing. My husband says he knows how the dog feels, but I don't know what he means.

Next is Rex, who growls  and barks  really loud, but only at black people.

And finally Sparky, who we are legally forced to keep muzzled because he attacked the paper boy – I don’t know why his parents were so upset though, it’s not like he was a good looking kid to start with.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

"All the single babies" - Isn't that a Beyonce song?

Mummy?? Daddy?? I lost my mummy and daddy! Can you help me find them? Daddy has a barbecue and mummy has a purse.

Yay!!! You found my mummy and daddy!

See! I told you! Mummy has her purse and daddy has that barbecue.

Looks like mummy went shopping again… daddy always has that drink when mummy comes home from shopping. Sometimes he has a lot of them – mummy says he gets really thirsty when he barbecues. Then she says something about Grandpa that I don’t understand, then she calls her friend and tells her that Daddy’s at it again, and she just about had enough. I guess Mummy doesn’t like barbecue as much as Daddy.

I'm glad you found them...

I don’t know who those three other fuckers are though, but they better not have touched any of my shit or I will kick their asses.

Friday, 27 February 2015

Theory of (d)evolution

Dollar store narcissism - gotta love it.

I'm going to start off by stating that yes, I do see the irony in a blog post complaining about narcissism...

Having said that.... 
I know you think you are so damn fascinating  that you feel you have no choice but to adhere vinyl replicas of your idealized family on your rear window, but the reality is that you are not. 
Unless you're driving down the road in this:
                                                                                             ...I'm really not interested in finding out any more about you. I already know you're driving your champagne coloured Dodge Caravan too slow. What other information do I need?

But no, you insist. You want me to really know your family. You want me to appreciate Moms love of shopping, Dads barbecuing skills and little Siegfried and Roi’s hockey and ballet skills.

This is your family, dammit! How can I not be mesmerized? How can I not be amazed? Inconceivable that strangers may not care about YOUR FAMILY?

Fine then, I can see you are determined to share your life with me - apparently just because I'm driving near your vehicle. Some are a little more discerning about with whom they share their personal information, but not you. Well then, why not really put it out there? Lets get the real story!

 I know mom loves shopping, but I want to see the sticker that explains why… is shopping her replacement for love? Does she only feel valued by the salespeople?
And Dad and the BBQ? I want the stick figure images that tell why he loves barbecuing so damn much. Is it that he feels an emasculating disconnect from his hunter origins?
And what about the kids…. What is their backstory…. Playing hockey to satisfy a parent’s unrealized dream, and thereby ensure parental love? I’m only getting part of the picture here, and I don’t like that.
If you're going to share your life - share it all, dammit!
.... or I'm going to have to.