Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Leader of the Pack

I don’t refer to them as my dogs, or “furbabies” or, oh god I can’t even say the word… pets. We are all members of the same pack. I'm now the alpha, since Spot died.
I would tell you their names, but they can’t be pronounced in English. They are pronounced in a series of yelps, and throat growls. To a “non-pack” member, I guess you would refer to that as “barking” although that’s a bit of a derogatory term.
Because I’m the alpha, I provide for the pack, which means I require a biped job, (mine is in IT) where I function fairly well, but once I get back to the den, er, house, that’s where I really feel I belong. Where I can be myself. I shake off the stresses of the day, give myself a good scratch, and just curl up on my pillow.

Our home life is pretty much like everyone else’s, I guess. I hunt, kill and bring home dinner, and depending on the weather, we will eat on the lawn out back, or on the dining room floor. I eat first, and then everyone else partakes when I’m done. Usually it works out well, as long as everyone remembers where they are on the hierarchy. Then, we all spend time outside, voiding our bowels, re-fragrancing ourselves with backyard detritus, and then, the fun begins!
We have a lot of games we play, the most popular is “tug of war - stick” wherein we all fight over the choicest stick in the yard. You can tell which stick is the best, as it’s the one your packmate has. This game can go on all night… and sometimes does! We also play “tug of war - rope”, “tug of war - ball” and “tug of war - kitty that wandered into the backyard by accident”. The fun times we have….

Then, once we get tired of chasing and vocalizing to the neighbors, it’s time for sleep. We all share a bed (keeps us warm), and have our nighttime rituals, usually, we groom ourselves, which can take a while. Then, we walk around in a circle and lay down.
Sometimes I will engage in dominance mounting, but only if I feel my status has been challenged, or if I’m lonely.



Friday, 4 September 2015

What do you mean by "the love that dare not speak it's name"

What? Sisterwife? No – what are you talking about? Two wives? That’s crazy!

Oh, no, ha ha, that’s my wife Cheryl, in the skirt (she’s a social worker so she has to go to court a lot) but the other lady is her best friend, Heather - actually, I think that Heather is a social worker as well. They met at a woman’s studies course, I can’t remember the name of it, but I guess it was like home economics class, or something like that? Then Cheryl joined Heather’s ringette team, and they play soccer in the summer. They are really close and spend a lot of time together. It’s nice, you know, for Cheryl to have a best friend. She seems a lot happier…

Those are our kids, Jilly, skipping rope, and Jackson, playing hockey. The other two are Heather’s kids, Mitchell and Marcy. I don’t know where their dad is, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Heather mention their dad, when I asked Cheryl she kind of yelled at me… I had to look up “misogynistic and paternalistic”  in the dictionary, but I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just wondering if maybe he and I could hang out while the gals were at ringette, or a lecture, or an Indigo Girls concert...  they spend a lot of time together... I think I already mentioned that. Anyhow, this weekend they are going to a yoga retreat. I will be shuttling the kids all over the place… but as long as Cheryl is happy… and I think that when Heather is happy, Cheryl is happy.

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Go Home! You're making a spectacle of yourself!

No, not related, silly, just members of the same club – this is our special events minivan. Care to join us - It's bowling night!

What you have here are the proud members of the Astigmatism Club - Eastern Region, North-Central sub region! We are a splinter group of the National Astigmatism Organization (those bastards) but are recognized under the umbrella of the Worldwide Ocular Disorder Association.

Allow me to introduce everyone - starting from the left we have Dwight. Astigmatism/Myopia he is a -2.00 +1.50 x 180, if you want to believe his okcupid.com profile, that is! Dwight is the club treasurer.

Next is Cynthia - +3.50 +3.00 x 45 with hyperopia. Cynthia is our social coordinator, and is a pretty good little line dancer! None of us can keep up with her.

Then there is Francis, a hale and hearty -4.75 -3.75x165 with bilateral amblyopia. He is in charge of membership. It’s thanks to his recent membership push that we are up to 6 members! Way to go Francis! Don’t worry, it's not you, he doesn’t really talk to strangers.

 Next to him is Denise, nystagmus with a family history of glaucoma, and is currently a -2.75 +2.00 x 90, although she has an appointment tomorrow, so “fingers crossed”. Denise is our Secretary, and if you want to see something amazing, come to one of our board meetings and watch her take the minutes.

Then we have Nathan. -1.5 -1 90/-3.75 -1.5 180. Yes indeed, he is a very complex fellow. Nate is our Past-President, our current Vice-President, and our resident computer geek! He really loves working on complex computer programs, even CSIS (or was it CSE? RCMP? I can’t remember) who questioned us, is interested in his work! Very impressive.

Then there is me – Susan, Current President, Past Vice-President. At the moment, I’m  -8.5 -2.75 18 with floaters. I met these crazy kids when they were protesting outside the Lasik clinic near me. I was going in for a consultation, and they stopped me, handed me some pamphlets and we got to talking. We think of ourselves as kind of a subculture, with our own inside jokes, and language. Why our glass cleaning ritual alone takes 30 minutes!

Oh! I almost forgot, our club “mascots”. Those are our 3 dogs, Rover, Mittens, and Spotty.
What? Sure they are, silly!

Sunday, 28 June 2015

He was always such a nice boy -so kind to his mother...



I’m Norman, everyone calls me Norman.

No, that’s not my sporting equipment, someone left it here, I’m more of an online gaming kind of guy. You can get a lot of injuries in sports.

I have my own apartment–kind of- in the basement of a house. It’s my mom’s house actually, but it works out well, I shovel the snow, and mow the lawn and do the grocery shopping.  Mom cooks and cleans and does the laundry. It’s not weird or anything like that, she just knows how I like my underwear, and pyjamas folded so its way easier to have her do it.  We’re real homebodies, we play scrabble and watch television. We love the Church programs on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I make popcorn and we will watch a movie - if there is something wholesome on that Mom wants to see.

Yeah, I’m single. Mom doesn’t really like me dating. She jokes and says I’m too special for anyone but her! I brought a girl home once, but she had to leave really quickly after dinner. Not sure exactly what happened, I was spooning ice-cream into bowls for the three of us, and the next thing I knew, she was gone! Mom said that she just got up and left. She never returned my phone calls either. I think I saw her at the library once, but it was only from the back and she was kind of running in the other direction so it may not have been her.

That’s my dog, Ragamuffin, and my cat Ragamuffin. They were really good pets. They both died a few years ago. I was teaching myself taxidermy at the time, for a hobby, and decided that they would be my first project. I really enjoyed working with them a lot. So quiet and pliable – once the rigor mortis wore off. Sometimes I find myself petting them and talking to them, I really miss them. I’ve even put out catnip and bones for them to enjoy. I like pretending they are still alive, I guess I just hate saying goodbye…

Mom got really sick a few years ago, and I was really lonely then…. But then, well, I guess you could say she recovered? She’s doing really well now – she has colour in her cheeks, and she’s really…. animated, I guess is the best way to put it. Almost totally back to normal. I just have to watch out for moth infestations.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

77% of accidents occur in the home....


What’s all that screaming about? Stop shrieking!! Kids, goddammit! Be quiet, I can’t hear myself think!
How many times do I have to tell you - no sports in the house! Go play on the road! 
 It’s no wonder I spend as much time as I do at the mall, between the soccer balls hitting the wall, the hockey pucks slamming against the doors and your fathers table saw making a godawful racket sawing through who knows what, it’s enough to drive a person crazy. What is he making out there?? That damn thing is so godawful loud. Sounds like he’s cutting through bone! 
God – you go out shopping for a few hours and you come back to a house in bedlam! Complete and utter chaos!
And look at this place – it’s a frigging mess!! Equipment laying around everywhere, it looks like the house has been ransacked!! Why is everything knocked off the counter? And the bookshelf? What the hell have you all been doing? It’s those damn hockey sticks I bet, knocking pictures off the wall!
And what is all over the floor, it’s as sticky as hell! Is that mud?? Red clay??!!! Who used the nice guest towels to wipe that red clay mud off themselves?  I will find out, and you will be grounded! I’ve told you all that those towels are for GUESTS ONLY! This mud is tracked from your fathers workshop all through the house!!!! Who did this!!!!
It’s all over the walls! Who was spraying this all over the damn walls???
Where is your father??
Honestly – he really needs to try and keep it together when I’m out. I go shopping with friends and it’s like he loses his head!

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

I still got it.... it's just taking up more space...





Wanna come outside with me and play soccer?

Uh, can’t son… Daddy’s busy… maybe later….




You’re not busy, you’re just looking out the window. Why are you looking out the window, what are you looking at?

What? Nothing, just looking outside. Go play.




Are you looking at our new neighbor Miss Lily? Why are you looking at Miss Lily? She’s just laying on that long chair by her swimming pool.

What? No! What? I’m not looking at her!  – go to your room!




How come Miss Lily has a bathing suit like me, just the bottom part? Mummy’s bathing suit has a bottom and a top, and a skirt part and a part that looks like a scarf that she puts around her tummy.

What? I don’t know why her bathing suit is like that…. I’m not even looking at her… go play somewhere.




How come Miss Lily’s skin looks so smooth, kind of like a peach, but Mummy’s skin kind of looks like my t-shirt drawer, all wrinkly and bumpy and squished in? And how do Miss Lily’s lady chest parts stay up like that even when she is laying down, because mummy’s lady chest parts slide right down to her armpits when she is laying on the couch?  And Miss Lily’s hair kind of looks like yellow ribbons, but Mummy's hair is short all over, and has lots of white and gray parts, it reminds me of our old dog Rags.




Why are you crying?

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Namaste, Muthafuka!

Oh Children! Ahimsa! Ashtanga! Chakra! Kundalini! Shavasana!
Finish up your poses my special little snowflakes, and come in for your mid-morning kimchi-kale and placenta power smoothies! Then I would like you all to think about tidying up your meditation room, its a mess! There are essential oils all over the place, and I don't know what you were doing with the yoga straps, but they should be untied from the chair.

Mummy has her bi-weekly lymphatic detox/high colonic/vaginal steaming appointment this afternoon, so I’ve organized some fun and educational activities for you all!

Ahimsa, I’ve arranged for you to sit and talk with a new special friend! Won’t that be fun! Dr. Billy wants to hear all about the experiments you’ve been working on recently – especially the “properties of fire” one. He will give you a letter for your school when you are done so make sure you put it right in your hemp tote bag so you don’t lose it.
Now, Ashtanga and Chakra, Daddy is able to visit with us sooner that we thought, because of his good behavior! Isn’t that great! He is going to take you to his doctor’s office. It won’t be long, he just has to gift them some of his hair, and maybe a container of fluid… then he will buy you both a special non-dairy gluten free ice-cream at the “horses running in a circle” park.

Kundalini, you have your organic material visual art lesson. I hope you will be finishing that large scale mural that you’ve been working on. I can’t wait to see it! I think it will look great hanging in your room, and will probably be big enough to cover all the holes in your wall.  You’re so silly - I still don’t understand why you were hitting the wall so hard! I hope you weren’t trying to kill a bug, you know we need to love all creatures that Mother Earth shares with us.

Now Shavasana….. Shavasana! SHAVASANA! Take those earbuds out of your ears sweetness! I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do. The weaving studio said that they haven’t repaired the loom from last time yet, and the farmers market has moved again. Funny, now that I think about it, they still haven’t responded to any of my emails about their new location. Well… yes…..I guess you can go to Nana’s house if you like…. No…. how would I know what medication Nana takes for her arthritis… oxy-something? I’m sure Nana would love to see you dear – just call her beforehand to make sure her Church group isn’t there, like last time.

Anyway, my darlings, finish up your smoothies – don’t forget the pulpy bits! That’s the best part! Oh! Mummy baked those cookies you all like so much! It’s the turmeric root that makes them so tasty!