Friday, 20 March 2015

Scary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?



Yes darling?

Where’s daddy?

Oh, well, daddy had to go away.


Somewhere far away, honey, hand me my watering can please.

Will we ever see him again?

No, I don’t think you will.

Why did daddy have to go far away?

Because he made mummy angry.

How did he make you angry?

Mummy found out that daddy had a new special friend.

But isn’t it good to have new friends?

Not always honey, pass me my garden shears.

How come you didn’t like daddy’s new friend?

Because daddy’s new friend wanted daddy to only play with her, and so daddy spent all his free time playing “reverse deep sea diver”, “hide the salami” and “fish taco inspector” with his new friend, and didn’t want to play “evangelical missionaries on a sleepover” with mummy anymore. So mummy got really angry at daddy and his new friend and she did something so they will be together for all eternity.

Oh…. Mummy?

Yes sweetheart?

How come you’re planting flowers in the backyard now?

Well, I figured since I had to fill in this hole I dug….


Friday, 13 March 2015

How much is that doggy in the window?

Oh – you want to know about my furbabies? Sure! I have plenty of time to tell you all about them, Denny’s early bird dinner doesn’t start for another 45 minutes, so I’m just waiting here in the parking lot! Funny, Animal Control was asking about them too, the nosy parkers. Who ever heard of “animal hoarding”, I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.  If you want, I can get out the photo albums of my babies in their Halloween costumes?

 So starting from the left, that’s Wags – he is a rascal! Chases after squirrels – its’ a real mess cleaning up all those carcasses and innards that are scattered in our backyard every spring!

Next to him is Whiskers! She sure does tease the dogs, we are always saying she is a real nasty pussy – My husband says she reminds him of me, but I don’t know why because I never tease the dogs.

Then there is Bones, sweet fellow, but don’t try to take his special lovey toy, that’s how I got this scar across my cheek!

Then we have Rover – spends all day sleeping and eating –now he reminds me of my husband.

 Next is Spot, who thinks he’s a lap dog – silly boy bruised the Reverends crotch the last time he visited.

Snoopy is next to him, loves his treats, he does, always pulling the Depends out of the trash.

Then we have Miss Fluffy, who loves to go the groomer and be told she is a pretty girl – vain bitch… just like my sister-in-law.

 Next to her is Tiny, who humps everything in sight – had to stop inviting the Church ladies over because of him!

Then there is Scout, who hasn’t been the same since we removed his testicles - poor thing. My husband says he knows how the dog feels, but I don't know what he means.

Next is Rex, who growls  and barks  really loud, but only at black people.

And finally Sparky, who we are legally forced to keep muzzled because he attacked the paper boy – I don’t know why his parents were so upset though, it’s not like he was a good looking kid to start with.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

"All the single babies" - Isn't that a Beyonce song?

Mummy?? Daddy?? I lost my mummy and daddy! Can you help me find them? Daddy has a barbecue and mummy has a purse.

Yay!!! You found my mummy and daddy!

See! I told you! Mummy has her purse and daddy has that barbecue.

Looks like mummy went shopping again… daddy always has that drink when mummy comes home from shopping. Sometimes he has a lot of them – mummy says he gets really thirsty when he barbecues. Then she says something about Grandpa that I don’t understand, then she calls her friend and tells her that Daddy’s at it again, and she just about had enough. I guess Mummy doesn’t like barbecue as much as Daddy.

I'm glad you found them...

I don’t know who those three other fuckers are though, but they better not have touched any of my shit or I will kick their asses.